


combat boots and leaving

by swallowthewhale



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: but really more of wishful thinking, mentions of anxiety and panic attacks, sort of S4 spec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 22:50:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11701506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swallowthewhale/pseuds/swallowthewhale
Summary: Cisco has abandonment issues.OrFour times Cisco freaks out about Caitlin disappearing and one time Caitlin freaks out about Cisco disappearing.





	combat boots and leaving

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Cisco has been left behind by so many people so many times, I just really want them to address that next season.
> 
> I also gave myself the added challenge of having to work combat boots into each part. I don't think Caitlin's actually wearing combat boots in the sizzle reel but it's hard to tell.

1

Caitlin wears combat boots now, and dark jeans, and a weird device as a choker that she won’t let Cisco get a closer look at. She holds herself differently, with more confidence and with a backbone of steel that had always been there but never been so obvious. But she’s distant, both physically and emotionally, and Cisco doesn’t know how to act around this person who is so much the Caitlin he knows and so much a stranger.

On her first day back at Star Labs, she stands in the middle of the cortex and apologizes to everyone. “I was angry at Barry for changing the timeline, for giving me these powers that I didn’t want, and I took it out on all of you. I’m sorry.”

Maybe that’s all it takes for everyone, an apology and a commitment to change, but Cisco turns on his heel and walks out without looking at her. Caitlin finds him in the pipeline, head in his hands.

She sits down next to him.

“I can forgive you for going evil, and for working with Savitar, and for trying to kill all of us,” he says, muffled. “Even if I don’t understand, I can forgive you.” He looks up at her. “But how could you have left? I needed you and you just left.” His voice breaks.

The cool, detached expression Caitlin has been wearing all day slides off her face, leaving her looking sad and lonely. “I’m sorry, Cisco,” she says quietly. She tentatively wraps her hand around his wrist. “I wouldn’t have been any use in the state I was in.”

He blinks watery eyes. “You could have at least let me know you were okay.”

Her fingers tighten. “I couldn’t. I needed time alone to sort myself out, and if I had been in contact with you I would have come home too soon. It would have been a disaster for everyone.”

Cisco's face softens and his entire body relaxes. “Home?”

Caitlin rolls her eyes. “Yes, Cisco. Home.”

 

2

Those damn combat boots make it way too easy for Caitlin to sneak up on him. Especially when he’s doing things she disapproves of. She seems to have an uncanny ability to know. Come to think of it, she’s _always_ had an uncanny ability to know when Cisco’s doing something he shouldn’t. Like hacking into the security cams from the grocery store across from Caitlin’s apartment.

“What are you doing?” Caitlin asks sharply.

Cisco jumps. “Jesus, Cait. Do you really have to do that all the time?”

Her frown deepens. “Cisco.”

He deflates. “Fine,” he mumbles. “I just wanted to know where you were sneaking off to every Friday.”

Caitlin’s expression gets colder, if possible. She crosses her arms.

Cisco feels about ten inches tall. “You wouldn’t tell me, and I was worried.”

“I would have told you if you needed to know,” she snaps.

“Yeah, whatever,” Cisco mutters, turning around to close the window.

Behind him, Caitlin thaws a bit. “We’ve been over this, Cisco. I’m not going to disappear.”

He turns in his chair. “What if you do? What if you do and you leave for good this time? And I never see you again?”

“You don’t trust me,” Caitlin says slowly. “I thought we were past that.”

“Yeah, so did I,” Cisco whispers, but she hears him.

He barely catches the flash of hurt that crosses her face, before the icy, blank expression is back. Cisco hates that expression, more than he hates her being mad at him. She walks out without a word, and even with the panic that suddenly grips Cisco’s chest, he can’t make himself follow her.

It takes three weeks of the cold shoulder before Cisco finally figures out where Caitlin goes every Friday. And it’s all because they’re having a get-Barry-out-of-the-Speed-Force-again brainstorming brunch at Joe’s on Saturday morning, so he has to go visit Dante Friday afternoon instead. Dante, unfortunately has no helpful ideas about either the Speed Force or Caitlin, so he walks down the path to see Ronnie. Ronnie at least might have better ideas about Caitlin. Cisco doesn’t visit him every week, but he tries to go at least once a month, for reasons he’s not sure he can even put into words. Usually he brings flowers and updates on Caitlin or the most recent crazy meta of the week.

But today Caitlin is there, sitting cross-legged at the foot of Ronnie’s grave, twisting a flower stem in her hand. Cisco recognizes it as one of the yellow daffodils he’d left last weekend.  

“I know you’re there,” Caitlin says without turning around when Cisco starts to back away.

He sits next to her instead, their knees brushing. “I’m sorry.”

She looks at him quizzically.

“For not trusting you.”

“Cisco-”

“No, wait.” He shifts to face her. “Just let me say this.” He takes a breath. “I don’t think I could handle it if I lost you again.”

She reaches out and takes his hand. “I told you, I’m not leaving.”

“I know.” He squeezes her hand with both of his. “I know. But sometimes you can’t control it. Sometimes you get kidnapped, or you’re overwhelmed by superpowers, or” he eyes Ronnie’s gravestone, “you sacrifice yourself so that everyone else will live.”

Caitlin’s face is unreadable.

Cisco clears his throat, staring at their hands. “So sometimes you can’t help leaving, and I need to know that I can reach you so that I don’t lose you.”  

He looks up again. Caitlin’s eye are warm and fond. “Cisco.”

Maybe that’s what breaks him, or maybe it’s been welling up for the past six months and this is just a drop too much, but the dam breaks, and Cisco leans forward to cry on Caitlin’s shoulder.

She rubs his back. “We’ll figure something out, okay? No need for you to have a panic attack every time I forget my phone.”

Cisco laughs and sits back up, scrubbing his cheeks. “Sorry for getting your jacket wet.”

She shrugs. “Your emotional wellbeing is a bit more important than a wet coat.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“I know.” She stands and offers him a hand up. “Come on. I need some coffee.”

 

3

Cisco can feel the weight of everyone’s expectations sitting in the tension of his shoulders, and the pressure in his head, and the trembling in his hands. It’s only after the device breaks for the  fifth time in three hours that Cisco’s patience snaps like a rubber band and he throws the stupid thing on the ground.

“Cisco!” Iris snaps.

He takes a deep breath, pushes his hair off his face, and picks up the device, setting it more gently on the table. It wasn’t as satisfying as he’d hoped it would be, throwing things, anyway.

“I need a break,” he says shortly, avoiding everyone’s eyes as he walks out.

“Give him a minute,” he can hear Iris say behind him, probably to Wally.

It’s not until he makes it to the roof that he remembers the only person who knows all his hiding spots is back, and had just witnessed his breakdown in the cortex.

“We’ve failed more than this before,” Caitlin says, leaning next to him against the wall on the edge of the roof. “So what’s really going on?”

Cisco sighs. “What if Barry doesn’t want to come back? He went into the Speed Force voluntarily. What if he likes it better there, and he’s happy and doesn’t want to come back here?”

Caitlin tilts her head. “I don’t know. But we can deal with that when it comes. We’ll never know if Barry wants to stay or come back unless we get the device working and ask him.”

Cisco rubs his face. “I still feel like everything’s falling apart.”

“Maybe that’s because there’s a crazy person dressed as  a samurai with a magic sword terrorizing the city,” Caitlin says blandly. She casts a critical eye over him. “Are you still taking your meds?”

Cisco glares at her half-heartedly. “Yes, Dr. Snow. I’m taking exactly what you prescribed two weeks ago.”

Caitlin isn’t deterred. “And you’re seeing your therapist?”

He breaks eye contact and shifts uncomfortably. “There hasn’t been much time.”

“Since when?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Cisco snaps. “Since you and Barry decided to both leave on the same day and Wally and Iris and I have had to pick up the slack.”

“Cisco,” Caitlin says, unperturbed. She touches a hand to his arm.

Cisco’s shoulders slump. “Not since June.”

“You’re making an appointment for this week.” Her tone leaves no room for argument. “I’ll drive you.”

He nods and she turns to look out over the city with him. He feels suddenly and inexplicably calm.

“Hey, Cait?” He glances over at her slyly.

She raises an eyebrow.

“What’s with the combat boots?”

Caitlin jabs a sharp elbow into his ribs. But she’s laughing, and that was the whole point.

 

4

Cisco knows the moment he opens Caitlin’s door that she’s not there. Her apartment is dark and freezing, her phone is sitting next to her purse on the table in the hallway, and her combat boots are lined up neatly underneath her jackets hanging on a hook next to the door.

Cisco closes the door behind him and leans against, wheezing against the heavy pressure on his chest. He closes his eyes. She could have just forgotten her phone. Her keys and wallet are gone. She’s fine. She’s definitely fine.

When he can breathe again, he leaves a note next to her phone with it’s 18 missed call notifications, and locks her apartment back up. At Star Labs he gives himself a headache trying to vibe her off her favorite pen or the sweater she keeps in the break room. Iris sends him home and Cisco hops through Earth 14 to get some of the crazy good ice cream they make there (it’s something about the cows) so he can eat through his anxiety.

He’s dozing on his couch with Doctor Who muted in the background when there’s a sharp knock on his door. He rolls off the couch in surprise, checks his phone to find no new messages or missed calls, and yanks open the door.

Caitlin grabs his arms, pushing him back inside, her eyes wide and frantic. “Cisco, I’m so sorry,” she says, gaze flitting over him as if checking for injuries.

He leans his forehead against hers, breathing deeply. “You’re okay?”

Caitlin pushes his messy hair off his face. “I’m fine, I promise. I forgot my phone and didn’t have time to go back for it.” Her hands slide down to his shoulders. “Are you okay?”

He offers her a shaky smile. “I am now.”

Her concern slips into sympathy. “Cisco.”

Cisco shakes his head, pulling away to sit back down on the couch.

She follows and perches on the edge of the coffee table across from him. “Cisco, we’ve talked about this.”

“That means we don’t have to talk about it again, right?” he mutters.

“No,” she says slowly. “We don’t. But I’m going to forget my phone sometimes, and you can’t know where I am without putting a tracker on me.” She gives him a sharp look. “Which we are _not_ doing.”

“I know,” Cisco says, because they’ve talked about the ethics of tagging all their friends with GPS trackers several times before.

Caitlin offers her hand and he carefully laces their fingers together. “How about tomorrow we come up with some coping strategies? And tonight,” she switches to the couch and glances at the TV. “Tonight let’s watch the daleks try to kill everyone.”

Cisco relaxes into her, rests his head on her shoulder, and feels his heart settle back where it belongs. “So you were paying attention.”

Caitlin squeezes his hand. “I’m always paying attention.”

 

+1

Caitlin sits almost perfectly still at her desk, listening absently to Barry and Wally’s good-natured bickering through the coms as they race each other around the speed lab. She forces herself to breathe slowly and evenly, like the therapist tells her to, and considers the multitude of possibilities.

The most likely scenario is that Cisco overslept and his phone is either on silent (it’s never on silent) or he misplaced it (it’s virtually attached to his hip). Less likely is that he forgot his phone at home and had things to do before coming into work. Even less likely is that he decided to take the day off without telling anyone. Almost completely improbable is that Cisco was kidnapped.

And yet, the roaring panic slamming against her ribcage tells her that Cisco is in trouble.

She hits the intercom, mind suddenly made up. “Barry, can you come up here, please?”

Barry’s there before she even has time to lift her finger off the button, grinning and mopping his forehead with a towel. “What’s up?”

Caitlin fidgets, smoothes her hands over her pants, and takes a deep breath. “Would you mind running by Cisco’s and seeing if he’s there? I have a bad feeling.”

Normally Cisco is the one with the bad feelings, and Caitlin is the one who reminds him of the statistical probability that there is a tiger running loose in Central City. Barry frowns. “Yeah, sure,” he says.

Caitlin flattens her hair down, only for Barry to whip back in and send it flying.

He’s decidedly more anxious this time. “He’s not home. But his phone and keys were there.”

Caitlin’s stomach plummets. Cisco’s gone.

Barry grips her arms, hard. “Hey,” he says firmly. “Cisco goes to other Earths all the time without his phone or keys. I’m sure he’s fine.”

Caitlin feels like she’s going to throw up. “I should have let him implant those trackers,” she whispers.

Barry frowns, confused. “What? Caitlin, we’ll find him, okay?”

She nods, but clenches her hands in her lap and closes her eyes to force down the ice that’s pounding against her ribs.

While Wally, Jesse, and Barry are searching the city for Cisco, Caitlin sits in the entrance to the pipeline, feeling useless. She’s already tasked the Star Labs satellites to search for breaches, and reset Cisco’s search algorithms, and now all she can do is wait. Waiting’s always the hardest part.

The sound of heels clicking in the hallway and the tug of her heat sense warn her of Iris’ approach. Iris smiles kindly as she leans against the wall across from Caitlin.

“How are you holding up?”

Caitlin considers putting on a calm act, but one look at Iris’ face tells her she won’t buy it. “Not well,” she says instead.

Iris nods. “This is always the worst part. When you can’t do anything to help.”

Caitlin presses a hand to her forehead. “How did you do it?”

“Well the most recent disappearance was a little different,” she says sardonically. “I had no reason to expect him to come back. But before, I guess I just had faith that while we were doing everything to find Barry, Barry was doing everything he could to come home.”

Caitlin sighs. “I guess now I know how he felt every time I went away.”

Iris tilts her head, considering. “Have you ever told him how you feel?”

Caitlin blinks, frowning. “He’s my best friend. He knows that.”

She’s already shaking her head. “Not what I meant.”

Caitlin can feel her ribs squeezing down around her heart. “What do you mean?” she asks faintly.

Iris laughs a little. “I think you know. Look, I spent a long time denying my feelings for Barry, telling myself he was just my best friend, like a brother. But I was just hurting myself in the long run, and hurting Barry and Eddie, too. You should tell him.”

Caitlin doesn’t know what to say, but Iris gives her a sympathetic smile and walks out before she can collect her thoughts. Caitlin has barely even acknowledged her feelings for Cisco, let alone considered telling him. She buries her head in her hands. And now she has an awfully long time to think about all the ways that she could screw up the fragile trust they’ve been building back up. Shit.

Caitlin spends half an hour worrying herself to nausea before she synchs her tablet with the computers and goes home. She changes into her most comfortable yoga pants, one of Cisco’s many t-shirts that she’s stolen over the years, and curls up on the couch with hot chocolate and a pad of paper. Everything’s clearer with a pros and cons list.

But she only gets through the cons before she hears the distinct hum of a breach opening outside her door and she yanks it open as Cisco’s raising his hand to knock. Caitlin launches herself at him, nearly tripping over the combat boots she left next to the door and knocking him backwards a step as he catches her. She tucks her face into his neck and clings while he maneuvers them inside. Once the door is closed, he squeezes back, one hand running soothing circles on her back and the other cradling her head.

When all of a sudden Caitlin can breathe again, she takes half a step back so her hands are still tangled in his shirt but she can see his face and subtly check for injuries.

“I’m so sorry,” he’s saying, brushing his hands across her cheeks to tuck her hair behind her ears. “I got ambushed by some vibers from Earth 31 who needed help and wouldn’t let me make a call first.”

“You’re okay,” Caitlin says faintly.

Cisco nods. “I promise. Iris said you were worried sick.”

She blushes. “Maybe.”

“Did you use any of the coping strategies?” Cisco teases, moving past her to the kitchen to pour his own hot chocolate.

“Sort of,” she hedges. “What was the emergency on Earth 31?”

He rolls his eyes as he stirs. “They needed a certain number of vibers to create the right vibrational frequency at a certain strength to do this weird thing to restructure the cliffside under a city. Pretty sure it could have waited two minutes for me to send a text message.”

Caitlin settles back on the couch, and remembers about her list at the same moment Cisco picks it up.

“Hey, what’s this?”

She snatches it out of his hands. “No, don’t.”

Cisco raises his free hand in defeat, sitting next to her. “Are you okay? It must have been a long day.”

Caitlin shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess I’m still unwinding.”

He nudges her shoulder. “Want me to stay?”

She nods, grateful he offered so she doesn’t have to ask.

“Go ahead and pick something to watch. Maybe one of your boring documentaries?” His tone is light and teasing, but she knows he’s only suggesting it because they calm her down, without fail.

Halfway through, Caitlin says quietly, “I need to tell you something.”

“Hmm?” He complains about her documentaries all the time, but he always gets so absorbed.

She elbows him. “Cisco.”

Cisco jerks a little, and turns to face her. “Sorry, what’s wrong?”

Caitlin wrinkles her nose. “Why do you assume something’s wrong?”

He studies her. “Because that’s your serious voice, which usually means something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” She wrings her hands in her lap and he covers them with his own.

“Okay,” he says slowly. “What do you need to tell me?”

Caitlin takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and puts every ounce of steel, ice, and bravery into saying, “I’m in love with you, Cisco.”

Cisco’s hands tighten on hers but he doesn’t say anything, and when she peeks, he’s gaping at her, shocked.

Fighting back the sob rising in her throat, Caitlin tugs her hands back uselessly. “Forget it,” she says, horrified to hear her voice thick with tears.

Cisco stares at her for another infinite moment, then oh, so very slowly slides his hands over her cheeks and into her hair, then leans forward to kiss her.

Caitlin can barely move, except to let him tilt her face up and kiss him back. This is definitely going on the pros side. When he softens his hold and pulls away, her body finally relaxes and she wraps her hands around his wrists to prevent him from letting go.

“I love you, too, Cait,” Cisco breathes against her lips, and suddenly Caitlin forgets all about her pros and cons list.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a review, because I need validation  
> I'm over @swallowthewhale on tumblr if you want to say hi!


End file.
